Pete Hegseth Is a Douche

It took nine episodes into South Park’s current run, but Secretary of War and Content King extraordinaire, Pete Hegseth, finally made his debut among the Trump lackeys. Hegseth’s spot-on portrayal of a bumbling narcissist obsessed with creating Instagram Reels came amid a special Thanksgiving-themed episode of the Comedy Central series called “Turkey Trot” airing on November 26th.

In keeping with the episode’s title, the A story revolved around the town’s annual 5K Turkey Trot, which this year was generously sponsored by the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. “I mean they’re giving money to everyone else, why not us?” rationalizes Skeeter, a local town merchant, during a community meeting. The only caveat of course is “disparaging remarks against the royal family are strictly prohibited.” (It’s worth noting that the episode comes as Comedy Central’s parent company, Paramount, is reportedly partnering with three Arab sovereign wealth funds in a bid to acquire Warner Bros.)

After learning that the winner of the Turkey Trot wins $5,000, Cartman recruits Token to be part of his team. “I’m a racing science experience, and the data shows your race always win races,” he says as part of his pitch.

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Enter: Pete Hegseth, who descends on South Park in order to free Trump ally Peter Thiel (who was arrested during the previous episode). “Just get us the prisoner, no matter what it takes,” Trump demands of Hegseth, before adding, “And don’t just make a bunch of content. Like actually go and do something.”

However, Hegseth’s mission is sidetracked after he mistakes the Turkey Trot for an “Antifa uprising.” “We’re being fired upon! Be sure to like and subscribe!” exclaims Hegseth. But against his wishes, he’s soon reinforced by fellow content creator, Director of Homeland Security Kristi Noem. “Stand down, Homeland Security, this is our content!” demands Hegseth. Noem disregards his order, firing a few rounds into a dog.

All the while, Cartman faces his own predicament: Token decides to sit out of the race after learning Saudi Arabia is the sponsor. When his efforts of persuasion fail, he resorts to drastic measures: stealing Token’s XBOX and challenging Token to race him through the finish line.

The episode culminates in an epic parody of Kenny Loggins’ “Danger Zone,” reimagined as “Pete Hegseseth Is a Fucking Douche.” “Acting like a tough guy, posing around the world / Making lots of content, like a teenage girl,” go the lyrics.

The theme song is short lived: Hegseth is arrested by Detective Yates and placed in the same jail cell as Theil. “They’re all going to pay for this,” Theil warns as the credits begin the close, setting the stage for what should be one hell of a season finale on December 10th.

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South Park says Pete Hegseth is a fucking douche #southpark pic.twitter.com/snUL5HE7EP

— Alex Haha 🃏 (@DevilsAdvocateC) November 27, 2025